Sandi Boudreau

Honest Truth? Sad Tonight.

Honest truth? I’m sad tonight. We ‘should’ have a 5-month-old goo-goo-ing while we decorate for the holidays. And every day. No doubt, I am beyond grateful for my family of two. We feel our family is complete, most of the time. And yes, I’m happy for all of you and your littles.

Yes, I know all the words of consolation about miscarriages. Those sting less than hearing nothing from those who never say anything. (Why can’t people address pain? It’s reality.) And yes, I know I have so much more than 99.99% of the world. Yes, I’m grateful for my life. Yes, I know the scripture and I know the options. But at this moment I’m just missing our little one and am sad. I know there are people worse off than I. I know there are those suffering agonizing losses right now. Do I want to trade places? No. Does their pain make my pain unimportant? No.

Tonight it’s the big kind of sad that’s too deep to ignore and demands attention.

If I didn’t address it I’d quickly shut off contact, and curl up until I feel too guilty for focusing on death and for ignoring life. And life’s given me a lot of good things. Yes, I do believe life is beautiful. But it’s ugly sometimes. Or at least I am. I’m not perfect over here. Sometimes my faith is weak. Sometimes I’m jealous of you. Sometimes I’m angry.

But then I (gradually) come around and remember God’s great love for me. His gifts. And the gift of his son. And the great sacrifice at age 33. And I remember that God works all things together for GOOD. When I remember these things, it is well with my soul. And then I feel better. Sometimes it takes a while to feel better. Like tonight.

If someone close to you has experienced loss(es), say something. They haven’t forgotten.

May God bless and comfort us all!

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Sandi Boudreau