raw post

Written by
on December 8, 2014

Raw post. Sorry. Lots of tears shed over this precious one today. I sometimes feel panicky about the future, and I just ache and miss her being with me all the time. It catches up to me in my sleep. Nightmares. Then the tears just fall. Sometimes it’s out of nowhere. I don’t often post about the sad and hard times, not because we don’t like negative, but it’s been way too raw and painful. I haven’t returned phone calls or many messages or texts.

I can’t talk. Other than repeating “my baby” to no one around over and over. Just breathe. Hope. Pray.

Maybe I’m getting a little stronger now. I do want God to use me however he wants to, and if that’s by sharing about the hard times too, I will try. To cope with the nightmares, I cry it out, pray, write some, stare at her pictures or watch her videos a hundred times, repeat “my baby” to no one around over and over, hold her when I can, and/or let my husband hold me.

holding her
holding my girl

The pain is there, and I am up and down, no matter how she’s doing. And she’s been doing so very well the last two days and this morning. Up to 12ml mommy’s milk every 3 hours, and tolerating it super well! I miss her so much when I’m not with her, but (because I feel like I always have to find something positive) am SO grateful for each time they let me touch her. Here now and waiting.

As I’m feeling the pain today I’m praying for other hurting mommy hearts. Just breathe. Hope. Pray.

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